The holidays are wonderful, but can be a particularly difficult time for women and couples struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. Today’s guest blogger is Suzanne Cohen, who founded North Shore Women’s Support. She has updated a wonderful piece she published a few years back detailing her journey to motherhood.
Around this time six years ago, I tore up all of the holiday cards my husband and I received with photos of our friends’ kids. I couldn’t look at them. I already had enough stress from the constant baby pictures on my Facebook feed. Now I had to deal with this too?
My husband and I had been unable to conceive and were about to start fertility treatments. I was in a dark place. A very dark place. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone who was pregnant or had a child. I did some really silly things, and when I look back on them, I’m ashamed. I refused to congratulate friends on their pregnancies, failed to show up or send gifts for baby showers, and avoided most social situations that involved children. I was “sick” a lot.
A few months after my daughter was born, I did the one thing I said I’d never do: I sent out family holiday cards with a picture of my baby on it. There she was, posing with our dog in front of a winter backdrop with a huge smile on her face. It was adorable. And yet, if I’d received such a card before having my daughter, it would have been trashed within seconds of taking it out of the envelope.
I knew having endometriosis might make it difficult to get pregnant. I had no idea how difficult. When I went off the pill, my cycles were all over the place. I could forget using that $150 ovulation predictor kit, but that didn’t stop us from trying. But after a dedicated year, we decided to try IVF, which is how I found myself in the doctor’s office at 6:30 a.m. almost every day so that I could get vials and vials of blood taken and an ultrasound for monitoring. I knew way more about the ultrasound technician than anyone should. Four IUIs, two IVF cycles, a breakdown that sent me to the ER, and ten months later, we conceived our daughter.
We’re lucky. 1 in 8 couples aren’t able to conceive. And of those couples that require IVF, only 31% conceive and carry the pregnancy to term. While that number doesn’t seem extraordinarily low, what it doesn’t account for is how long this can take. One woman I met in my support group had been trying for over 10 years.
That first year, I was so grateful for my daughter and relieved that my life has started to settle. But I was also conflicted. I felt guilty that I got to have a baby when so many others were still agonizing. In previous years I was crying alongside women in support group sessions, where we shared every detail of our struggles. The scheduled intimacy, the astronomical amount spent on treatments, the bruises all over our bodies from shots. Now, I was one of the lucky ones, not there to listen and give them my knowing comfort. I was now in motherhood.
Experts and friends would say that I shouldn’t have punish myself. I should have savored the feeling and been proud to send my family’s holiday card. They might’ve even argued that I’d earned it. But I couldn’t, and even now, I still can’t shake that feeling. I wanted and want to support women going through the uncertain journey of infertility, especially during this time of year.
To that end, I started North Shore Women’s Support, which aims to help new moms struggling with motherhood, seasoned moms navigating their journey, and women dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility. One of the first steps of self-care is realizing that you’re not alone. Reach out and find other women who can lift you up and commiserate as you struggle with these moments. No one is going to understand your particular hardships as well as those who share them. If you’re struggling and need resources, Postpartum Support International and RESOLVE are the places to start.
To my friends and family who know someone living with infertility, please be understanding. And to all the women and men struggling to start a family, let yourselves off the hook. Give yourself permission to do things differently this year. Stay home from that holiday party. Don’t have lunch with your friend who just had a baby. Let your grandma’s phone call go to voicemail. Curl up on the couch with your dog and watch horrible reality TV.
And, feel free to rip up those holiday cards, even if one of those holiday cards is from me.
